Dear Man Child Lover,

You deserve better

Dear Zoe,

My question is about Man Children and if, as women, we have to learn how to live with them or move on! I myself have been in love with someone who I would loosely describe as a Man Child - a man who is extremely emotionally intelligent but lacked some (what I thought were) basic adult responsibilities, like working a consistent 40 hours a week, paying for his own groceries, etc. etc. I also have friends (intelligent, driven women, who are naturally eldest daughters) who are in relationships with Man Children.

I’ve provided a listening ear as they vent about their partners not being able to complete basic tasks (like empty the dishwasher or take out the recycling), without constant reminders. These men lack a basic sense of agency that my incredible friends gush. These men are there for my gal pals emotionally, but they aren’t really showing up in other ways you’d expect someone 25+ to be. It seems like the more incredible women I meet, the more I learn they are in a relationship with a version of a Man Child.

How do we weigh the lack of adult responsibilities with the love we may receive from these otherwise incredible men? Help!

From,

Man Child Lover

My Dearest Man Child Lover,

The well-meaning Man Child… apparently his sweet face and puppy dog eyes have worked on you. You survived the Sassy Man Apocalypse, the Performative Male Pandemic, but now you’ve caught the Man Child Contagion. Sorry to hear you’ve come down with a case, but rest assured, you aren’t the only one.

Eldest daughters and Man Children are attracted to each other like flies to honey. They seem fill a need for each other momentarily, but the successful girlfriend incompetent boyfriend combo never works out in the end.

So to answer your first question, no. You don’t have to learn to live with a Man Child and his inability to do Things. Because you are a Grown Damn Woman who isn’t obligated to be someone’s mommy.

Think of your future self

Picture this scene, (you may have lived it already): You come home from a rough day at work just to see the trash hasn’t been taken out, there are dishes in the sink, he forgot the grocery item you needed to cook dinner, all the while he’s enjoying a nice lounge on the couch YOU bought.

This is the price of continuing to date someone who can’t do basic daily tasks. But that’s just the beginning.

Of course you love the guy, but what happens when life gets crazy, when it’s not just work that’s stressful? Is he able to care for you when you’re sick? Could he help you with children in the future if you want them? What about caring for ageing parents 30 years down the road?

You want to get legally bound to that guy? Do you want to have to take expensive legal action to make those inconveniences go away? Sure, you can tolerate this stuff now, but will your future self be able to? If he never changed a thing, how would your life be in 10, 20 years? How would you feel? These aren’t rhetorical questions, these are questions you need to ask yourself when your relationship starts to get serious.

Like sorry this is dramatic but it happens ALL THE TIME. I hear it from the women at work, I see it with women in my family, it happens ALL THE TIME. But it doesn’t have to happen to you!!

Introspection time + some tough love

I could get into the eldest daughter of it all, the feminism of it all, the second shift, weaponized incompetence, but those are separate essays. The truth is that some people want to feel needed and enjoy taking care of those around them because it makes them feel important. It is a way to prove to the world that you have value. But when it isn’t reciprocated, resentment breeds.

Your relationship cannot be your charity work. Your partner should be someone you can rely on, not someone you have to manage or beg to change. In a partnership, you should both be trying to make each other’s lives better and easier at every chance you get. If that isn’t the case, it may be time to move along.

I get that it must be conflicting when your Man Child is good at showing up for you emotionally despite not being able to do basic tasks. But is the emotional intelligence really up to par? Generally, people who are emotionally intelligent are able to not just name their emotions and read those of others but regulate their own feelings. Is someone who can’t take out the trash, truly resilient and emotionally regulated? I’m not a psychologist but I kinda doubt it. You’ve articulated what you need but they can’t manage to follow-through on making changes. That doesn’t look like emotional intelligence to me.

Hope is not lost

If you’re a lover girl or the go-getting, people-pleasing type, you likely get satisfaction from helping others which puts you at a higher risk of being drawn to the well-meaning Man Child type. You’re at an even higher risk if you were a parentified child or had to grow up fast to take care of yourself. If you aren’t used to being cared for, this is a familiar relationship to fall into. To break this curse, you must…

• Let other people help you (easier said than done)

• Realize that you deserve to be cared for

• Recognize that your care is a finite resource

After caring for everyone around you, you deserve to have someone take care of you. Someone who can make your life easier. There are actually plenty of people out there who can take care of basic tasks like cooking, cleaning, getting groceries, doing laundry, while also having a job. I know because I managed to find one for myself (casual flex).

Friendship is the perfect place to practice letting other people help you. Let your friend drive you to the airport if they offer. Let them give you a gift even though you don’t need it. Let them pay for the appetizer if they say they’ve got it. Stop resisting care when it is being offered. Know that you are worth all the triple dippers in the world, queen!

Additionally, it may be time to focus deeply on taking care of yourself in ways you haven’t been able to while you’ve been caring for someone else. Not in the bubble bath sort of way (though this is always lovely) but perhaps by exploring therapy, diving deeper into your hobbies, doing whatever you thought you didn’t have the energy to explore. Care for yourself the way you care for others. Stand up for yourself the way you would for others. Love yourself the way you love others. You wouldn’t want the 8-year-old version of you to be stuck in a relationship with someone who won’t empty the dishwasher. And I’m sure the 80-year-old version of you wouldn’t want to waste your precious time and energy. Maybe you don’t feel like you deserve better right now, but don’t they?

At the end of the day, your love and care are not infinite, not when they aren’t adequately replenished. At a certain point, you will become tired, angry, and resentful of how you have to ask for the same things over and over. Your partner will grow sick of the asking and call it nagging. The relationship will cease to grow in the ways it needs to.

Your ability to express love through acts of service is a limited resource. But, love itself is infinite, so is your ability to find it.

My last piece of advice?

Stream Manchild by Sabrina Carpenter and send this article to a friend who needs to hear this!

XOXO

-Zoe